Leaving an Abusive Relationship: Getting Help in Oklahoma

Oklahoma is plagued by high rates of domestic violence, including child abuse, spousal abuse, and intimate partner violence. The Tulsa World cites the Violence Policy Center in saying that the state ranks third nationally in the number of domestic violence deaths. Oklahoma law enforcement responded to more than 24,000 domestic violence calls in 2012, and statistics show that the number of domestic abuse calls each year has not changed significantly. Furthermore, the Oklahoma Department of Human Services (DHS) reports that in 2013, there were 11,418 children involved in substantiated cases of child abuse and neglect--a number that has increased for three years straight and is nearly 60 percent greater than the number of substantiated cases of child maltreatment in 2010.

If you or your children are in an abusive relationship, it is imperative that you protect your safety by getting out of that relationship as quickly as possible. However, it is important to be particularly careful during this time, as domestic violence tends to escalate when one partner leaves or attempts to leave the other. In fact, the Oklahoma Domestic Violence Fatality Review Board in 2011 reported that in 31 percent of domestic violence homicide cases in which the perpetrator and the victim had children together, custody was an issue.

How can you protect yourself if you are planning to divorce an abusive spouse? The National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) lists a number of steps a person in an abusive relationship can take in leaving a violent situation.

First, the organization recommends developing a safety plan if you are still involved in the relationship:

• Find safe rooms to go to in case of an argument, and avoid entering rooms with no exit, such as a bathroom, or with potential weapons, such as a kitchen
• Create a list of safe people to contact if you need help
• Keep cash and change on hand at all times in case you need to call from a pay phone, ride a bus or call a cab, buy meals, etc.
• Memorize important phone numbers
• Establish a safe word and tell it to family members, friends, or co-workers so they will call for help if they hear you say the word.
• Plan ahead for what to say to your partner if he or she becomes violent

Prior to leaving, if possible, collect all important papers and documents you can and keep them with you. Things you might need include credit cards, checkbook, social security cards, driver's license, birth certificates, insurance policies, copies of deeds and leases, proof of income, and police reports or other documentation of abuse.

In an emergency situation, you will not have time to collect the above items. If you are prepared ahead of time, it can help you, but if you have been unable to prepare for sudden violence, your personal safety and that of your children takes priority over collecting documents.

If police respond to a domestic violence call, they will likely issue an emergency protective order against your abuser. However, even you were able to leave without police intervention, you can still get a protective order against a violent partner. If you have children, be sure that the protective order gives you custody of the children until the matter can be resolved in family court. Read more about protective orders.

Once you have left your abuser, there are more steps you can take to safeguard yourself and your children. The NCADV recommends the following precautions:

• Change your phone number.
• Screen calls.
• Save and document all contacts, messages, injuries or other incidents involving the batterer.
• Change locks, if the batterer has a key.
• Avoid staying alone.
• Plan how to get away if confronted by an abusive partner.
• If you have to meet your partner, do it in a public place.
• Vary your routine.
• Notify school and work contacts.
• Call a shelter for battered women.

Leaving a violent relationship is not easy, especially when you fear that ending the relationship may escalate the violence. For help, call the Oklahoma Domestic Violence Safeline at 1-800-522-7233 (SAFE).